


clouds of your despair

by katkeransuloinen



Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, M/M, Murder, academy days!!, and his name is jushiro, super suspicious but mildly supportive shunsui, tokinada has a guardian angel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:48:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25754629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katkeransuloinen/pseuds/katkeransuloinen
Summary: Tokinada had a guardian angel. In a world ruled by a fraudulent god, he somehow had an angel.An angel who saw the goodness in him which had never existed.
Relationships: Jūshirō Ukitake/Tokinada Tsunayashiro
Comments: 3
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first bleach story ever, so please excuse any little mistakes!! i had to make up many details of tokinada's life, as there isn't much to go on, so many details inserted are not canon!!
> 
> i hope all of you enjoy!!

_Again._

One of those days, Tokinada would grit his teeth just a bit too hard and chip a tooth. He could visualise it every time he saw that scruffy bastard plop down under their cherry blossom tree for lunch.

_Again._

"You're late again, Shunsui." Jushiro gently chided, a smile on his lips as he took a bite from his curry bun.

"I have an excuse— Old Man Yama was yellin' at me," He huffed as he attempted to push himself back against the tree as much as possible in an effort to avoid the sun. "I didn't even do anythin' major this time."

Tokinada felt his eye twitch as he slowly lifted his gaze to look at Shunsui.

_Again_ he tagged along.

No one ever informs him when Shunsui decides to insert himself into everything he does.

_Ever._

So carefree, stupid, unsuspecting, yet knowledgeable and aware.

Shunsui made no sense.

Each time their eyes met, Tokinada could've sworn they narrowed ever so slightly.

The young noble stared, watching him laughing with Jushiro with that happy, charismatic smile. Somehow, Shunsui could always put a smile on his face.

Each time the young man was in Tokinada's presence, his mind would unhinge and wander to the darkest corners he tried to ignore.

He'd imagine himself drawing his sword, the blade polished and pristine, and slitting that stupid, lazy bastard's throat. With or without a sword, Tokinada could think of so many different ways that Shunsui's interference could vanish.

Choking the life out of him until he would never again be a nuisance.

Holding his head underwater with the biggest smile imaginable.

Standing over him, seeing the fear take over every part of his face as—

_Snap._

The sting of small, wooden fragments piercing his skin quite literally snapped him out of it, looking down at his broken chopsticks before Jushiro quickly took hold of his hand.

"Oh dear, are you alright?" He asked, leaning down to inspect it closely.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," Tokinada quietly responded, wincing a bit from the small cuts he'd received before letting out a slightly sheepish chuckle, "Sorry about that, I guess I was lost in my thoughts."

Jushiro glanced up at him with his trademark kind, benevolent smile. "It's alright. I can get you a bandage if you want." 

Shunsui sat up only to look over Jushiro, but Tokinada didn't move a single centimetre to look in his direction.

"You don't need to trouble yourself with something so minor, Jushiro."

With a small wave of the injured hand, Tokinada dismissed the white haired man's worry, who simply nodded with a small pat on the arm.

"Alright then. Get it wrapped up after we're finished, okay?"

"Sure," In a teasing tone, now keeping an eye on Shunsui in the peripheral vision of his dark, frigid forest green eyes, "Only if you come with me."

Jushiro let out a laugh. "Come on now. Well if you insist, I suppose I have no choice!"

It was all in jest.

_Jokes._

_Teasing._

Those perceptive, distrustful ash grey eyes weren't partaking in the fun. Tokinada couldn't help how his smile slowly grew.

Perhaps Shunsui could read minds, able to see how the nobleman imagined cutting his tongue out so as never to speak again should he choose anything other than silence.

_Perhaps._

Truly, Tokinada didn't care.

He didn't care until he looked at Jushiro.

Each and every time that bright, happy face came into his line of sight, those sadistic thoughts briefly disappeared.

How someone like him could exist in a world ruled by that _thing_ baffled him.

The sound of Jushiro's conversation became drowned out once more by Tokinada's overactive mind. He sat in place, staring down at his mildly injured hand.

_Why can't I be good for him?_

Tokinada furrowed his brows, seeing the faintest traces of blood trying to escape the almost imperceptible cuts sustained earlier.

_Such a fool._

He had to pause and wonder who he was referring to.

_Am I the fool, for caring so much about his opinion of me?_

_Is he the fool, for being so convinced that there's good in me?_

Slowly, Tokinada upturned his gaze to look at Jushiro again.

_It's me._

_I'm the fool._

As Jushiro turned back to smile at him, engaging him in the conversation now, Tokinada's own smile softened somewhat.

With the sun shining down on that heavenly head of soft white hair, he looked just like an angel.

_I believe you._

_You do bring out the best in me._

_And for that, I'm the fool._


	2. Chapter 2

The book that lays open on the table serves no purpose other than to make Jushiro sleepy. 

Silence surrounded him in the seldom used, dimly lit classroom.

A private study session may have been exactly what he needed to end a long day, but he wasn't particularly interested in his reading material.

So, he closed it, listening to the faintest sound of pages compressing underneath the hard cover. 

From where Jushiro sat, he could see out of the window and observe the rapidly setting sun which served as the only source of light.

A sky painted with pink and gold hues never failed to be gorgeous. 

"Y'know," An unexpected voice interrupted, though not in an unwelcome manner. "I've been meaning to talk to you about something."

"You're getting better at being sneaky." Jushiro chuckled, turning as Shunsui took a seat in the chair beside him. "Hm? What's wrong?"

The man pursed his lips with his chin in the palm of his hand. Only the rustling of trees from outside filled the empty air. 

Before he could answer, Jushiro spoke in his turn. 

"It's about Tokinada," He answered his own question in an unsure tone, "isn't it?"

Shunsui let out a short sigh, shaking his head slightly before sitting up straight. "Always on top of things, aren't you?"

The white haired man cracked a small smile in response. "I suppose so." 

"Don't you think that you might've bitten off more than you can chew with him?" 

"Well, I wouldn't put it like that. He really is very kind when he lets down his walls." Jushiro speaks in a surprisingly upbeat voice. "All he needs is more people he can rely on." 

Shunsui's eyes are focused on the wood of the desktop. With a quiet voice, he mumbles. "I know he means a lot to you, but he isn't... safe." 

"Safe?"

"I know you don't know the Tsunayashiro family that well, but they've gotten involved with some—" There was hesitation evident on Shunsui's face, "Some not so great stuff."

Jushiro tilted his head a bit. "Isn't that a commonality amongst most nobles, though? I'd say you're one of the few nobles who are clean."

That caused a deep laugh to escape Shunsui. "You flatter me too much!" 

They both shared a good chuckle over that, though it carried an undertone of disappointment.

"Listen, I don't know if you see the way he looks at me whenever he sees me around you but if looks could kill, I think I would be a pile of dust by now." 

Though he'd phrased it like a joke, Shunsui's face told a different story. 

Jushiro found himself looking down at his hands, folded in his lap. "I do see, Shunsui. How his eyes change, but—"

That caused Shunsui to perk up as his friend continued. 

"But I also see how his eyes light up whenever I have him over to visit, when he and I spend time together. We all have our demons that we fight every day, but we don't always have to fight them alone." 

When Jushiro turned his gaze back to Shunsui, he'd looked somewhat surprised before his surprise dissolved into a smile. 

Like always, his green eyes, as bright and hopeful as ever, seemed to sparkle.

"Y'know I can't argue with that," Shunsui chuckled, even though he couldn't shake his reservations about the other man. "If you think you can handle this, then I'll always be here to support you."

Placing his hand on the other man's shoulder, Jushiro's trademark smile returned as he was tugged into a tight hug. 

A bit too tight, but he'd come to expect that.

Nothing could compare to one of Shunsui's hugs.

"Just promise me something, okay?" Shunsui spoke as he pulled away just enough to look at his friend.

Jushiro nods his head in response. 

"If anything weird happens, anything at all, come and tell me."

"Will it stay between us?"

Shunsui pursed his lips before slowly nodding. "If that's what you want."

"Then it's a deal," Jushiro smiled, giving the taller man a few pats on the shoulder before unwrapping his arms from around him. "Here's a good idea, let's go to the sweets shop before it closes."

"That's the best idea I've heard today!" 

Both of them got up happily, Shunsui taking Jushiro by the arm and pulling him along. 

As they rushed down to the entrance of the main academy building, their conversation weighed somewhat on Jushiro's mind. 

_Tokinada Tsunayashiro isn't safe._

_I didn't think I was getting involved in something I couldn't handle._

_Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me._

_Tokinada Tsunayashiro wouldn't hurt me._

_I don't believe he would hurt anyone._

_Right?_


	3. Chapter 3

"Are you alright?"

That was the fourth time someone asked him that. 

Jushiro flashed a brief, unconvincing smile with a nod. "Yes, I'm alright."

The girl who asked had a small frown on her face as she quietly walked away with her books in hand. 

All of the students were exiting the lecture room and Jushiro had to lean against the wall so as not to collapse on any unsuspecting people. 

Truthfully, he'd been feeling unwell all day, but not enough to warrant missing another day of class.

Shunsui was with Yamamoto on the other side of the academy for most of the day, and Jushiro was meant to be meeting them for kido lessons next. 

His legs were shaking beneath the weight of him, struggling to maintain his balance. 

Taking a moment to pause, each intake of air felt like needles in his chest. 

A rough cough escaped Jushiro, now covering his mouth as he felt blood fall through his fingers.

_Damn it._

_Everyone noticed._

So many eyes on him at once, it's something he could never grow accustomed to.

Attempting to breathe seemed futile by then, he stubbornly tried to continue his journey despite the visibly worried expressions of his peers. 

One step.

One foot in front of the other.

_Two._

_Three._

The floor. 

The wall.

Only three steps before he was collapsed against the wall, gasping in hopes of feeling like his chest wasn't empty but only managing to hack up blood into his open palm in the process.

He'd been so caught up in the pain, Jushiro hadn't noticed someone wrapped their arm around his waist and helped him up from the floor. 

All other noise had been drowned out. 

When he could finally take in a bit of air, he slowly looked up at the person that came to his aide. 

By then, they were in an empty classroom together with the door closed behind them. 

"...I'm sorry." Jushiro murmured almost inaudibly as he was helped onto one of the desks, where he now sat. 

_How pathetic I must look like this._

_My clothes are ruined._

"Don't even start with that." Tokinada responded, his voice stern and calm. 

Jushiro couldn't help it. 

He stared down at his bloodied hands before looking up, seeing Tokinada taking off his stark white over-shirt. 

Jushiro's eyes widened with pink flooding his face. "Wait! Tokinada, what are you—" 

Quickly, he was quieted by the fabric of his shirt pressing against his lips. Slowly, Tokinada began gently dabbing and wiping away the blood that remained on his skin. 

With Tokinada so close to his face, the flush in his cheeks showed no signs of disappearing. 

How gentle his normally angular, almost callous features looked now. 

_If only Shunsui could see this Tokinada._

"Thank you..."

"You know you don't have to thank me," He responded with a small smile on his face, lowering his now stained shirt into Jushiro's hands. "How do you feel?"

Five centimetres. 

There couldn't be more than five centimetres separating them. 

He could feel the slightest sensation of the green-haired man's breath against his lips.

Jushiro hadn't registered Tokinada's question, finding himself gazing at the caring, soft-featured face of his friend. 

_How could Tokinada Tsunayashiro be dangerous?_

"Jushiro?"

"Huh?" At first, he mumbled before perking up a bit. "Oh— I feel, uh..." 

For a moment, his mind was entirely devoid of thoughts and unable to focus. Jushiro pursed his lips, finding himself at a loss for words. 

_Faint._

_You feel faint._

_Do I?_

"A little lightheaded."

With how his vision darkened slightly, Jushiro buried his mouth into the shirt Tokinada had given him, coughing into it. 

Tokinada had a hand on his shoulder now, unable to hide the faintest look of worry on his face. "Here, I'll walk you to the infirmary. Are you able to stand?"

Jushiro nodded his head, allowing himself to slide off the desk with Tokinada's arm around his waist. 

Together, they quietly left the classroom, walking down the now vacant hallway. 

_Together._

Jushiro glanced up at Tokinada. 

_I have seen the way you glare at Shunsui._

_But he and I don't see you in the same way._

His gaze dropped back to the floor, his fingers tightly clutching the once clean white shirt.

_What am I not seeing?_

_What are you holding back, Tokinada?_

_Why are you holding back?_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter has been broken into two separate ones, the second of which will be posted in a few days!! i hope you lot continue to enjoy this story!!

There's a subtle throbbing in his cheek as he silently walked down the street, his hand over the injured spot.

Tokinada stares down at the ground, observing every slight difference in the paving.

Perhaps he'd deserved what he got.

Frankly, Tokinada wasn't sure anymore.

Lifting his gaze, he looked over at the building he'd been making his way to.

Ugendō.

With a small sigh, he considered simply walking past and seeking shelter elsewhere.

Despite his reservations, the young noble quietly slipped past the front gate with ease.

He could see the lights were on inside.

Outside, someone was feeding the few koi fish that swam around in the pond. They noticed and walked over to him.

"Hello, could I help you with something?"

Tokinada recognised her as the groundskeeper, but, she didn't recognise him.

Then again, it was almost completely blanketed with nighttime darkness.

"Is Jushiro home?" He asked with a tilt of the head. "Could you tell him Tokinada needs to speak with him?"

She perked up at that, her eyes widening. "Oh! Forgive me, Lord Tsunayashiro! I'll see if he's available right away."

With a quick bow, she scurried off inside to find the person in question.

Tokinada lowered his hand from his cheek, wincing a bit at how it continued to ache. He found himself drifting towards the koi pond, looking down at how they gracefully seemed to almost dance in the water.

How gentle and beautifully they lived, completely unaware of their fragility.

Flowers, clouds, beautiful animals and angels.

Delicate, fragile beings that seemed so out of place in a world born out of sin.

_Disgusting._

"Tokinada," A happy voice cuts through his thoughts, causing the young man to turn and face the smiling face of his friend. "What brings you out here? We were just about to sit down for dinner."

"Oh— sorry, I didn't know that." Tokinada noticeably hesitates now, looking down for a moment before flashing a brief smile. "I had an argument with my father and he put me out for the night. I know it's a lot to a—"

"Come on, you know you're always welcome here!" Jushiro interrupted before stepping forward to take his hand. "No explanation needed, besides, you know we love hosting guests."

An angel.

That innocent, shining purity always radiated from within, especially when he smiled.

_A twisted, wretched world such as this one has someone like you in it._

_An angel._

Tokinada's lips couldn't resist curling into a gentle smile, giving his hand a small squeeze. "Thank you, Jushiro, this means the world to me."

"No thank you's either! Don't worry about a single thing, alright?" As Jushiro began leading him to the house, he waved his free hand nonchalantly. "After dinner, I'll set up a bed for you in my room."

As much as he wanted to thank him, Tokinada knew he'd be scolded for it. His smile didn't fade.

_Angels must be real._

_Otherwise, there's no explanation for you._

Tokinada never felt out of place in the Ukitake estate.

Eleven people sat at the table that evening, smiling and laughing together as a family should.

At home, Tokinada sat at a table for every meal alone or, very infrequently, with his father.

Their estate echoed with cold, empty silence whenever he sat in his room.

Dinner went by in what felt like ten minutes, and Jushiro disappeared towards then end when he intentionally finished early.

He returned to retrieve Tokinada and say goodnight to his family.

"Could you ask Miss Suzaku to bring a pot of tea to my room?" Jushiro asked his mother who simply smiled and nodded.

With that, they walked along the wooden veranda side by side.

"So," Jushiro spoke, glancing over at Tokinada. "Would I be right if I assumed that mark on your face is your father's doing?"

Tokinada didn't respond initially, quietly raising to brush his fingertips across the forming bruise. "You would be."

"What happened?"

Jushiro paused, turning to fully look at his friend. That expression of concern was one he'd grown familiar with.

"Would you like the full story or the summarised version?" 

A frown suddenly formed on Jushiro's face. 

That was answer enough. 

Taking a quiet seat on the perfectly polished wood floors, Tokinada sat with his hands neatly folded in his lap with Jushiro directly in front of him.

"I'm a little bit surprised you didn't hear already. Do you remember that boy who is constantly giving me a rough time, Ren Kohatsu?"

"Yes, I remember."

Tokinada pursed his lips. 

He had to go over it all over again in his head. 

While Jushiro may have wanted the full story, it didn't mean Tokinada wanted to give him the _unaltered_ version.

~~

_"How far the greatest of the Five Noble families have fallen! A little Rukon district guy like me has outshone one of the great Tsunayashiros!"  
_

_"I would hate to have to deal with a childish outburst from the wannabe future head of the Tsunayashiro family."_

_"I've heard you're not even close to succeeding anyone as the head. Isn't that right? What are you then? Tenth in line? Fifteenth? Or maybe, you're not in line at all."  
_

_Ren's very existence was nothing but a pain to him._

_Having to constantly hear about his already being recruited into Squad Nine as their tenth seated officer with a year left until his graduation; it made Tokinada's blood boil._

_He wouldn't shut up about it._

_If there was even the slightest inkling of a chance, he'd take it without hesitation._

_Tokinada couldn't take it anymore._

_His mind had gone blank and his hand moved completely of its own volition._

_The terror written across Ren's face as his hand tightened around his throat gave Tokinada such sadistic pleasure, it was unlike anything he'd felt._

_Ren trembled like a dry, weak leaf, being blown violently by a strong autumn wind._

_He would know better than to speak so disrespectfully to him._

_Tokinada couldn't help the slight smile that began forming as his fingers showed no signs of loosening._

_"Y-You're— i-insane—" Was all Ren could manage between his weak attempts to breathe._

_"Perhaps so," Tokinada spoke with a significantly darker tone than he'd ever taken with him before, "but I highly doubt that you want to find out."_

_While observing each slight change in Ren's face, a moment of what could've been humanity came over him; allowing himself to let go._

_Ren dropped on the floor, his breathing weak and quick._

_"I don't have time to be wasting on scum like you."_

_That night, he'd stayed in the dorms._

_Everyone's whispers never failed to reach his ears._

_Tokinada knew he should've been feeling guilty or at least some sensation of regret, but he didn't._

_He felt nothing._

_No._

_Not nothing._

_Worry._

_Tokinada was worried about those whispers potentially reaching Jushiro, and what he would think._

_Perhaps he did feel a bit of regret in that sense._

_What awaited him at home didn't cross his mind._

_Not once._

_"Tokinada."_

_His father's voice called from his office, with that subtle chill tinting his son's name._

_Silently, he walked down the veranda before sitting down and opening the sliding door in front of him._

_The air weighed on Tokinada like heavy stones._

_"I received a letter from the father of Ren Kohatsu, one of your classmates."_

_Tokinada didn't respond._

_A small noise of his father's brush being placed down on the table caused him to lift his gaze just enough to see him._

_"Haven't you anything to say, Tokinada?"_

_"I haven't."_

_With how his head hung, attempting in some manner to conceal his neutral expression, his father slowly rose from his spot._

_"Is that so," He spoke lowly, at first merely glancing at his son before walking directly in front of him. "Such disgraceful arrogance from you, Tokinada."_

_Tokinada stared at the floor, swallowing thickly as the realisation of consequences began to set in._

_"Consistently you have done nothing but bring shame to the Tsunayashiro name for your pathetic, petty antics. I am beginning to think it's all a game for you."_

_"I don't view it as a game, father."_

_"You are giving me no reason to think otherwise. I'm disgusted that you continue to treat the status bestowed upon you with such little care."_

_Tokinada lifted his head now, looking up at his father. "My status? I'm nothing but a branch family member to the elders, they don't care about me. My actions don't reflect on our name—"_

_Abruptly, Tokinada felt his arm being taken roughly and tugged up, now at eye level with his father who began to raise his voice._

_"Your actions are tarnishing our good name because all you care about it fulfilling your nonsensical desires!" He shouted with his hand tight around his son's arm. "If you continue to engage in these pursuits, I'll see to it that your succession rights will disappear."_

_His eyes widened, quick to pull his arm out of his grasp. "You can't do that! I haven't done anything to warrant such a thing!"_

_"Raising your hand to an innocent person is not something a future head of a noble clan does!"_

_"He's been disrespecting me every day— looking down on me as if I were no better than him, how are my actions any worse than his?!"_

_Before Tokinada could protest anymore, he was silenced._

_Stinging._

_His cheek stung now._

_He held the injured area, briefly unable to grasp what had happened._

_"Such a disgraceful person like you is unworthy of the Tsunayashiro name." His father's words were just as cold as when he spoke of his son's name._

_Without hesitation, the hand that had struck Tokinada took hold of the fabric of his kimono and shoved him off the veranda._

_When his back struck the dewy, cold grass of the garden, all the wind was knocked directly out of him._

_Tokinada could only catch a glimpse of his father's face in the midst of attempting to catch his breath._

_The look of disgust as their eyes met only momentarily._

_Pure sickening disgust._

_"Find another place to sleep tonight, I won't allow you to stay in my home."_

_The sliding door shut with a loud thud._


	5. Chapter 5

The retelling of events wasn't as difficult as Tokinada had expected it to be.

Then again, he'd taken the liberty of leaving out some of the things that made him look less than satisfactory. 

Jushiro listened intently, the frown that had been on his lips before only growing sadder. 

Whatever guilt Tokinada should've felt for what he'd done to Ren was now beginning to hit him, but it wasn't towards Ren.

He felt guilt for doing what he'd done because of how sorrowful Jushiro appeared. 

"I know it was a stupid reason to be upset but," Tokinada glanced down with a shrug of the shoulders. "I don't know what came over me. I was just furious." 

In the growing silence, the young noble felt his hand being taken within his friend's. 

Jushiro held it between his hands, leaning closer. "I understand, Tokinada. It's okay." 

_No, you don't understand._

_You could never understand what goes on in my head because you aren't like me._

Tokinada's expression became disconsolate, unable to find any relief in those words. They were genuine, but truly, Jushiro couldn't understand. 

"Sorry for placing all of my troubles onto you." 

"Don't worry about that. I'm your friend and I'm always going to try and help you." 

_Why do you look so sad?_

_Do you even believe what you're saying?_

Before Tokinada could respond, the sound of footsteps drawing closer caused him to turn around.

Miss Suzaku held a small tray in her hands, complete with a teapot and two cups; and a mystery box. 

"My apologies for this taking a little while," She spoke with a soft smile, setting the tray down in front of the sliding doors. "The water simply refused to boil for some reason."

"It's alright, thank you very much." Jushiro quickly interjected, smiling widely. 

With a small bow of her head, she walked away to attend to the rest of her duties. 

Jushiro curiously scooted over to inspect the plain white box, opening it before his smile grew wider. "Look, we have mochi to have with our tea!" 

Tokinada couldn't resist cracking a small smile at that. "You're such a kid."

The tension in the air seemed to be quelled with that smile. 

Six mochi sat in three small rows, neatly packed with the confectioner's special care. 

Two pink, two green and two creamy beige. 

Without a moment's hesitation, Tokinada went for the green one.

Muskmelon, his absolute favourite.

Jushiro was already eating a pink one, which Tokinada had assumed was strawberry.

Together, they sat and enjoyed their after-dinner treats. The young noble found himself looking at his friend frequently, of whom was gazing up at the steadily rising moon. 

In a gentle, warm voice, Jushiro spoke. "Tokinada." 

So unlike how his father uttered his name. 

"Hm?" Tokinada hummed lightly in response. 

"What are your dreams?" 

_Of course someone like you asks such a question._

With a somewhat rueful smile, Tokinada shrugged his shoulders. "When has a Tsunayashiro ever been permitted something so inane." 

Jushiro was quick to gently nudge him with his elbow. "Come on, everyone is allowed to have dreams." 

"Okay, okay," Tokinada mumbled before resting his chin against his palm. "I think you should go first." 

"Alright, fine," Jushiro chuckled a bit, looking back up at the sky. 

Though he wasn't looking directly at him, Tokinada could see the wonder illuminating his eyes. 

There was a whole happy, bright future in his smile. 

"I want to become a captain someday, so I can protect the defenceless. I can do something worthwhile in a position like that."

Tokinada hadn't noticed the warmth he felt in his chest, unable to wipe the smile from his lips. "That's exactly what I would expect from someone like you. Always wanting to help other people."

"I suppose it's not very surprising," Jushiro laughed with a wide grin. "It's your turn now!" 

He mistakenly let out a brief groan, absentmindedly sinking his teeth into his lower lip before speaking. "I want to become the head of my family, then maybe a captain. I won't have to justify myself to anyone, then." 

"You never have to justify your existence to anyone," In his gentle voice, Jushiro spoke to his friend as he observed the sparkling stars. "I know you're a branch member but if anyone can do it, it's you— and besides, I'll need a captain at my side when I get promoted!"

A very short-lived moment of silence followed before the pair erupted into laughter. 

"Come on! Obviously, I'm going to become one before you. You'd better come to my promotion ceremony!" Tokinada exclaims with a smile.

Jushiro couldn't stop laughing to himself, shaking his head quickly. "I wouldn't dream of missing it! You'd better not miss mine either, then!"

"You know I wouldn't dream of missing yours!"

They managed to calm down soon after, each quick to finish their cups of now lukewarm tea.

Tokinada lifted his arms, stretching with a small yawn. "We should probably get some rest, I think it's quite late."

With that, the pair slowly rose, Jushiro covering his mouth as he yawned. 

"You know," Jushiro spoke as he opened the sliding door to his room. "You, me and Shunsui would be a really great captain trio." 

Tokinada froze in place hearing that godforsaken name. His eye twitched. 

"Mhm." 

He watched Jushiro slip his haori off and get into bed first, pulling the covers up to his chin. The young noble followed suit, laying with his eyes fixated on the ceiling. 

_I hate him._

_An awful name for an awful person._

_Shunsui._

Just thinking about him was enough to irritate Tokianda, but he took another glance at his friend and it disappeared. 

"Jushiro," Tokinada spoke, his tone soft with a hint of sleepiness. "You'd look wonderful with long hair."

At first, the young man hummed in response before perking up. "Really...? I haven't really thought about it." 

"Absolutely. Most captains I've seen have long, regal hair."

Jushiro took a moment to visualise it, feeling a small flowering of warmth in his face. 

He made a good point. 

With a small smile, Jushiro spoke quietly. "Goodnight, Tokinada."

The only noise that filled the room became the faint rustling of the blanket as Tokinada shifted over, reaching to take Jushiro's hand in his. 

"Goodnight." 

How his thumb tenderly brush across his knuckles before something pressed against the back of his hand. 

A short, warm kiss. 

Tokinada pulled his hand away and turned onto his side, facing away from a now red-faced Jushiro who was hiding under his blanket. 

_My dreams._

_Why didn't I just tell you the truth?_

_Perhaps I did._

_I don't truly know._

_Wherever you may be, that is where I dream to be as well._

_By your side._

_But dreams don't come true._


	6. Chapter 6

Not a single petal remained on any cherry blossom tree now. Autumn had arrived, bringing with it a refreshing morning chill.

The tree under which they would sit grew lonely as the days passed.

Jushiro and Shunsui observed it from the window as they waited for Tokinada to join them.

As much as he'd attempted to avoid them, it never worked.

Yamamoto's zanjutsu lessons were to be held out in the forest, and everyone was split into groups.

Tokinada didn't bother trying to switch groups.

The hallways were empty.

"I don't think he's going to come." Shunsui mumbled, his arms folded over his chest.

Jushiro glanced at the man before letting out a small sigh, looking down. "Let's just wait a little while longer."

Shunsui's eyebrows furrowed somewhat. "Jushiro, I don't get why you're so patient with him. He's been awful to you lately."

"It's not something I can explain," He spoke, though with an undertone of insecurity. "He's been stressed these last few days and—"

Cutting off his own sentence, Jushiro raised his hand to pinch the bridge of his nose with a shake of the head.

A small frown appeared on Shunsui's lips as he placed a hand on his friend's shoulder. "I get it, it's okay, but I'm worried about you. Don't put him before yourself."

Something in his face gave the white-haired man a slight sense of unease.

Whether it had been intentional or not, he wasn't sure.

Jushiro leaned back with his head against the window, closing his eyes— but only momentarily.

Someone was drawing closer and he looked over at them.

"Toki—"

"Be quiet."

Tokinada didn't turn to look at Jushiro, rather he continued on a straight path without a single glance.

Until someone obstructed that path.

The noble's eyes slowly fell down to his now captured wrist before turning to the one who had done so.

Jushiro stood with concern written across his face.

He opened his mouth to speak but was immediately silenced as Tokinada abruptly pulled himself out of his grip, nearly hitting Jushiro in the face in the process.

"Whatever you may want to say, I don't care to hear it."

"I just want to know what's wrong— I'm worried about you," Jushiro spoke, his voice taking on a pleading tone. "You don't have to deal with everything by yourself."

Tokinada simply stared, his eyes gradually narrowing before he took a step closer, looming over. "I don't? You speak as though you understand me."

"I— I think I do—"

"Wrong. You have never understood me." Anger began to tint Tokinada's words, his hands now curled into shaking fists. "You pretend to understand me but all you do is look down on me like I'm some pitiful child that needs you."

"Tokinada, I just want to he—"

"Help? You have the audacity to claim that you're helping me?" He spoke as he leaned in close to his face. "You're a truly pitiful moron, Jushiro. You couldn't help anyone even if your pathetic little life depended on it." 

Before he could continue insulting Jushiro, someone took him by the back of the shirt collar.

"That's enough, Tokinada." Shunsui intervened, tugging him away from their friend. "Don't take your anger out on him, he's been nothing but nice to you."

"Oh Shunsui," Tokinada cracked an irritated, unhappy smile. "Poor stupid Shunsui. Its as though your only meaning in life is to interfere in my affairs."

"Where's this coming from? I'm getting involved because I don't enjoy seeing my friend being tormented by some power-hungry creep."

Tokinada let out a laugh. "A power-hungry creep? Have you forgotten who you're addressing?"

With a small smile on his lips, Shunsui tilted his head slightly. "I think I'm addressing the creep standing in front of me."

"Shunsui, it's alright." Jushiro spoke, trying to quell the rising tension.

"Of course it's alright! There's no issue, right, Shunsui?"

How the name rolled off Tokinada's tongue, it felt like a needle. How much he detested that ungodly name.

"Apologise and there won't be an issue." Shunsui said, shrugging his shoulders. 

"Shunsui—"

Tokinada raised his hand as if to quiet any noise. "Apologise? Apologise for what? For speaking the truth? Are we not taught as children to tell and value the truth above all else?"

"What you said can be as true as you think it is, but it was unnecessary." Shunsui retorted, stepping closer. Now he stood in front of him, his head ever so slightly turned down to look at him. "You're poison, Tokinada. I've seen it since the day I met you."

A small scoff left the young noble.

He could've done it.

Right there.

His hand began to inch towards his sword.

"Am I? I'm poison?" Tokinada mused with an entertained smile. "Perhaps you're right, but it would seem I'm not toxic enough. Both you and Jushiro continue to live despite exposure. Why do you think that is?"

_Because I decided you both could continue to live._

Jushiro's eyes widened, seeing Tokinada's hand on the hilt of his sword and Shunsui's now on his. He immediately came between them, shoving Shunsui back.

"Stop! This is ridiculous! We don't need to fight over something trivial like this!"

Shunsui stumbled, having to quickly steady himself against the wall.

Tokinada's hand remained, however, looking down at Jushiro with an almost contemptuous look.

For the first time, Jushiro was on the receiving end of the look.

A bead of sweat ran down his face, holding his trembling hand against his chest.

He couldn't avert his eyes, feeling trapped in his very presence. 

Tokinada quietly withdrew his hand, not bothering to look at Shunsui again as he stood up straight.

Turning around, he idled only momentarily.

"Don't bother me anymore, Jushiro."

Silently, he walked away.

Jushiro only managed a quiet _'okay'_ as he disappeared down the hallway, quickly turning to Shunsui. 

"Are you alright?" 

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" Shunsui frowned. 

Though his skin had paled, Jushiro flashed a small smile. 

"You don't need to. I'm okay." 

_Shunsui, you don't believe that, do you?_

His frown remained, wrapping an arm around his shoulder in a half hug. 

"Don't let him speak to you like that, because none of that is true, okay?" 

Jushiro nodded wordlessly, resting his head against his shoulder. 

_Isn't it true?_

_I really can't help anyone._

_I can't help anyone._

_I can't even help myself._


	7. Chapter 7

Black.

Night cloaked the Seireitei.

The chilly air blew against his face without mercy, bringing tears to his eyes.

Dried leaves and dead, colourless petals crunched underneath his feet.

He couldn't see ahead, nor behind.

Not even his own hand when he had to grab onto a tree for support, attempting to catch his breath.

It shouldn't have been so cold in early autumn.

Jushiro found himself shivering— or trembling, perhaps— the pain in his chest unlike anything he'd experienced.

The sensation of terror wracked his body, but he didn't know why.

He couldn't see what had him so terrified.

When the sound of crunching leaves came to his ears, Jushiro nearly fell over himself to rush ahead in an attempt to escape.

Whoever or whatever was following didn't seem to be in any kind of hurry to catch up.

Somehow, it made the whole situation that much worse.

As much as Jushiro continued on, he knew he would have to stop eventually— but he couldn't.

He wouldn't.

_Why am I running?_

_Where am I trying to go?_

The moment his concentration lapsed, Jushiro stumbled over the uneven landscape before hitting the ground with a pained groan.

If adrenaline had been pushing him forward, it abruptly ran out.

Jushiro couldn't get up from the ground, his whole body heavy and weak with exhaustion.

There was nothing he felt he could do but lie on the ground. Attempting to think of something, anything to get him out of the situation, didn't help.

The grass was wet with dew.

It made the air lightly blowing against his face feel that much colder as it rests atop the damp dirt.

Silence.

Not even the trees seemed to be rustling in the breeze.

_Jushiro._

A voice almost echoed as though it were only in his head, but he couldn't recognise it.

Something wrapped around his neck, pulling him up from the dewy grass.

Jushiro didn't realise it at first, until the voice spoke again.

"I was wondering when that body of yours would give out."

The small chuckle that followed caused his eyes to widen. He couldn't speak, nothing would come out.

"Honestly, I'm surprised you can run so fast, Jushiro."

That all too familiar, sinister purr against his ear sent a chill through him.

The arm around his neck now tightly held him against the person's chest by the shoulders, the sharp edge of a blade pressing against his throat.

Slowly, Jushiro turned his head just enough to look at the person through the black night.

His face was crystal clear.

A dim, hazy glow of green in his eyes, cold and empty as they looked back at him.

The side of his face, splattered with ink like blood dripping off his chin.

_That smile._

A tear escaped Jushiro's eye as he stared at him, paralysed and unable to make a single sound.

_"Not even that lazy son of a bitch could run as fast as you."_

~~  
  


The ceiling looked just like the darkened forest.

Jushiro knew his eyes were open, but he could only see the darkness.

Darkness.

_Shunsui._

_Where are you?_

Every quick breath felt hollow and weak, unable to keep himself from shaking underneath his blanket.

_I don't want to die._

It felt as though he were frozen, but the beads of sweat running down his face told a different story.

_Please don't hurt me._

_Please don't hurt me._

As much as he tried, his mouth wouldn't move to produce the words he couldn't stop repeating.

_Jushiro._

He heard that clearly, unlike the echo from before.

"Jushiro," The voice spoke with obvious worry running through. "Are you okay?"

Jushiro's eyes finally met with the dimly-lit face of Shunsui leaning over him.

They widened ever so slightly before they began to fill with tears. He couldn't respond at first, trying to calm his breath.

In a weak, small voice he spoke. "S-Shunsui... you're okay..."

Shunsui's clearly looked puzzled but also extremely concerned. "Of course I'm okay." He responded with his hand gently resting upon his friend's forehead. "I could hear you from my room. Were you having a nightmare?"

Jushiro was burning up, struggling to stay still.

Once the tears had begun to pour from his eyes, he couldn't get them to stop. "I-I don't know— I-I'm just so glad... that you're a-alright."

With a frown now on his lips, Shunsui leaned down to let Jushiro wrap his arms around him.

"You don't have to worry," He said in a gentle voice, a hand rubbing his back. "I'm here and nothing’s going to happen."

Though his words were an attempt to be soothing, Jushiro’s mind was still in the forest. Part of him found that he couldn’t fully believe him. 

"Come on," Shunsui murmured, helping him up from the bed. "I’ll take you down to the infirmary."


	8. Chapter 8

A week and a half went by, but it felt like months.

The hallways seemed colder, emptier.

Tokinada silently stood at the window, blankly observing the the tree branches and dying leaves swaying with each gust of wind.

He struggled to focus on them.

_You’re the reason he’s so sick._

Raising his hand, he attempted to rub the exhaustion from his sleep-deprived eyes.

_It’s your fault._

Tokinada wanted to smash his own head into the glass.

_I already know that, I don’t need to be reminded._

“Hey,” A frankly unwelcome voice came from behind, causing a groan to fall past the young noble’s lips.

“What do you want?” Tokinada responds, not looking in the person’s direction.

“That’s no way to talk to a friend.” Shunsui huffed, now standing beside him. “You alright?”

“I’m fine, I don’t understand why you’ve been asking me that every day.”

“Worried I’ll get you to slip up?”

Tokinada merely glanced at that vaguely smug smile on his face. “No.”

“Come on, if you’re still stuck on what happened, I’ve already moved on.”

“I don’t dwell on such petty things,” He scoffed. “I’d think you’d know me better than that.”

Shunsui tilted his head, now leaning against the window frame. “Then what’s going on?”

Tokinada’s arms folded over his chest, closing his eyes. “You’re acting like we’re friends.”

“I must’ve missed something, then. I thought we were.”

“That is not the issue.”

Now, with an eyebrow raised, Shunsui shrugged his shoulders. “Alright, what’s the issue then?”

“You aren’t checking up on me because you want to.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Jushiro asked you to, and you’d do anything for him. Of course, you’d oblige his wishes.”

“Is it too difficult for you to think that I also care about you?”

The hallway, already barren, suddenly grew completely silent. Tokinada swallowed back, his mouth somewhat dry.

“When you see Jushiro next, tell him to focus on becoming well again. You two needn’t bother yourself with me.”

“Tokinada.”

Unlike a few moments before, Shunsui’s voice grew serious.

Tokinada’s eyebrows furrowed as he turned to look at him once more.

“What?”

“Whether you care to admit it or not, you have people to rely on. You don’t have to deal with everything by yourself all the time.”

A crack of an unfeeling smile appeared on Tokinada’s lips. “Is that so?” He quietly asked before letting out a short chuckle. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think those words came directly from Jushiro himself.”

Shunsui opened his mouth as if to speak before Tokinada turned his back to him.

“Thank you for the offer, Shunsui, but I don’t believe I will be accepting it.”

~~

Such a detestable person, that Shunsui.

As much as Tokinada hated the very sight of him, he couldn’t help but enjoy the feeling that someone cared.

Shunsui wasn’t the person he hated the most, anyway.

Tokinada still found himself shaking with rage each time Ren would pass him in the hallways, not bothering to bestow a single look in his direction.

_How absolutely disgusting._

_A filthy, pathetic little commoner thinking himself higher than a Tsunayashiro._

The window he so often stood at looked so soft, so flimsy.

How badly he wanted to put his shaking fist through it.

It had been nearly two weeks since he’d slept through the night and the façade of calm, polite Tokinada had been rapidly slipping.

Surely Shunsui must’ve noticed.

_“Come on, let’s have lunch outside today.”_

_Damn him._

Tokinada buried his face into his hands, unsure if he wanted to scream until his lungs gave out or simply sit and try to hide from his own thoughts.

_It is too difficult to imagine anyone willing to put up with me._

Shunsui tried to get him to eat, but was consistently turned down.

He couldn’t eat.

The feeling of guilt only festered, growing with every minute of every day.

Tokinada didn’t absorb any information from any classes, he tried to keep the sickening thoughts at bay as best he could.

It went by so quickly and he couldn’t remember the day, having been on autopilot the entire time.

As he sat up with his back against the wall, he stared at his zanpakuto.

It was staring back at him.

Propped up in the corner of his room, sheathed and completely still.

_What am I doing?_

Tokinada begged for answers.

He needed answers.

The silence was starting to drive him insane, unable to stop thinking about that day.

_I scared him._

_I terrified him._

_Seeing the fear on his face didn’t bring me any amusement._

His hand came to press against his face, concealing one of his eyes.

_I hate it._

_I hate this feeling._

The mirror that sat on the other side of the room caught his eye.

He could see himself.

Tokinada stared for a few moments, seeing his hand begin to shake. The man who had terrified Jushiro was staring right back at him.

_I hate you._

Slowly rising from his spot, Tokinada felt his hand go directly through the mirror before his eyes had a chance to process it.

_I **hate** you._

Every shard reflected a distorted image of his face.

Blood began to drip from his hand, tinting some of the shards in red.

Tokinada ignored the pain, turning and walking back to his bed to lay down.

Just an hour of sleep.

That’s all he wanted.

One hour.


	9. Chapter 9

A sky of dark blue and bright orange seemed to perfectly match the crisp autumn air. 

Jushiro stared up as his legs hung off the side of the veranda, allowing the breeze to gently blow against his face. 

Having spent so many days in bed, being able to see the garden was a nice change. 

"Here you are," Miss Suzaku spoke gently as she leaned over with hands extended, holding his freshly laundered slate grey haori. "Miss Ukitake would like to have you home before dinner if possible." 

Jushiro took the haori from her with a soft smile, quick to pull it on and pick up the book that rested at his side. "I'm sure I'll be home before then, the walk isn't very long." 

Miss Suzaku waited for him to stand, bowing politely with a smile on her lips. "I'll be sure to tell her. Be sure not to overexert yourself."

"I won't, no need to worry." 

Taking a few steps back, Jushiro waved to her before walking down the veranda and down to the gate. The Seireitei was quiet, with only rustling leaves on the occasional tree to bring him back to his journey. 

_Hopefully Master Yamamoto doesn't mind me returning this book so late._

Jushiro found himself humming quietly, his fingers tracing the book's cover absentmindedly. 

_I wonder who I'll run into._

Lower and lower the sun began to dip in the sky. 

Night seemed to come faster than usual. 

A perfectly pleasant night. 

Too pleasant. 

Before he even realised, darkness suddenly cloaked everything. Jushiro stood a handful of metres away from the walkway down to the gate of the main academy building. 

No, this didn't feel pleasant. 

He paused only to rest, but now he hesitated to venture into the tree-canopied trail. 

_Something isn't right._

Jushiro swallowed dryly. 

One foot in front of the other. 

Slowly, the dim outline of buildings disappeared behind him, the blackness of the surrounding forest.

There was something he could almost recognise. An ominous yet familiar sensation. 

Once more, he paused before turning to look to his right. 

Jushiro, against his better judgement, veered from the main path and into the dense forestry. The closer he came to the source of the strange, unsettling energy, he could hear someone. 

It was hard to make out at first. 

_At first._

His hand tightened around the book, feeling the cold reiatsu surround him. 

Laughter. 

Such maniacal laughter filling the air. 

A small clearing came into view as he stood just behind a tree, unable to clearly make out the scene before him. 

The minimal moonlight fell upon two people, catching a glint on the end of a trembling drawn sword.

Not a silver glint. 

Jushiro's eyes widened. 

Deep red reflected back at him, and the laughter had ceased. 

From what he could see of the person standing not very far from him was the unkempt dark hair and the faint appearance of a thin bow tied around the hilt. 

Opening his mouth to speak, initially, nothing came out. 

He didn't know what to do. 

The silence was nauseating. 

The other person's face wasn't visible from where they laid, motionlessly. 

His eyes had adjusted to the blackness, now able to make out the figures with more clarity. 

Suddenly, the person swung their sword off to the side, allowing the deep red substance to effortlessly slide off the blade. 

"Oh Jushiro..." The person spoke, his voice low and emotionless. "Of all the people to find me like this, why did it have to be you?"

He saw the splatters of blood across Tokinada's face as he turned to look back at him, as well as the deep stains on his academy uniform. It only became clearer as he came closer.

"No—" Jushiro managed, his voice shaking much like he was. "Tell me this just looks wrong—"

Tokinada stopped in front of him, looking down at him with those dimly glowing, sinister green eyes. 

That slight smirk on his lips sent chills through right through him.

"And what if it is exactly what it looks like? What would you do then?"

Unable to tear his unfocused eyes away from the sight before him, his knees buckled underneath him. Jushiro could feel the dew forming on the grass as he clutched at every blade possible, weakly searching for any semblance of reality.

Tokinada slowly knelt before him, leaning in close to his face with noses less than an inch apart.

"Tell me," Tokinada whispered, tilting his head ever so slightly. "Can you still see the good in me, Jushiro?"

That low murmur brought him back to the nightmare he'd had. 

As he continued to stare, Jushiro felt the sensation of tears brimming in his eyes, his body refusing to move.

Hours had to have passed. He had no way of knowing how long it was.

The longer the silence persisted, the more twisted and angry Tokinada's bloodstained features became. 

An edge, sharp and frigid, pressed against the side of his throat. 

"Answer me." 

With shaking, weak hands, Jushiro attempted to wipe away some of the blood from his cheek out of sheer desperation. A tear escaped, running down his face. 

Jushiro managed a single hushed word.

"Yes."

Silence overtook the clearing once more. Tokinada didn't utter another word as he took the blade away from his throat, using the smallest amount of moonlight that illuminated the area to study every feature of Jushiro's face.

One quick motion and his blade was sheathed. 

How gentle his touch felt now, careful fingers running through his hair. The thick scent of rusted iron kept bringing him back to the truth of what had happened.

Somehow, Jushiro could see the tiniest little sliver of humanity in those sinister eyes.

_Am I the only one who truly sees it?_

The same hands that had cut someone down now held him.

Tokinada moves only to press a gentle kiss against his forehead, speaking in a soft yet earnest voice.

"There's no wonder you're the one who captured my heart, Jushiro."

_No._

_Don't say it like that._

_Why does this sound so final?_

Those dark eyes seemed to soften with what Jushiro could only guess was sorrow. 

_Remorse?_

Tokinada's face blurred as more tears began to pour from Jushiro's eyes like rain, unable to formulate any words now.

That was when he could make out the sight of falling purple flower petals all around them. 

The shine of Tokinada's eyes reflected purple.

He had a small smile on his face. 

As the world around him began to grow dark once more, Jushiro desperately clung onto the sight. 

Though he knew his hand held onto the fabric of his friend's blood-soaked uniform, he couldn't feel it in his grip. 

"...To...ki..." Jushiro's voice slowly slipped away, just as his consciousness did. His eyes clouded over as he fell forward, directly against Tokinada's chest. 

_I hope one day, you can find it within yourself to forgive me._

_I can still hear you._

_Can I still hear you?_


	10. Chapter 10

_Oh my God._

_I'm a horrible person._

_How could I have let this happen?_

Though the outside world remained unseen, Jushiro could faintly hear someone's panicked voice.

Back and forth the voice travelled. 

_I could sense that he'd come, why didn't I—_

Jushiro let out a small groan, now blinded by the moonlight shining directly into his weary, bloodshot eyes. 

Shielding the light as best he could with his numb, shaking hand, his clarity slowly began to return.

The voice was no longer rambling. 

Abruptly, arms wrapped around him much tighter than he'd anticipated. 

"Oh my God, Jushiro, I'm so sorry—" Shunsui rushed out, pulling back only to briefly inspect his appearance. "Are you okay? Does it hurt anywhere?"

For a moment, Jushiro looked puzzled. 

_I wasn't hurt._

_I wasn't hurt?_

"Only where you just tried to strangle me." 

Though he'd spoken that in weak jest, Shunsui only frowned in reaction. 

"Do you remember anything that happened?" Shunsui asked. "I sensed your presence earlier but it just disappeared out of nowhere, I still can't really feel it now." 

_Had something happened?_

For a moment, Jushiro wondered if he'd fainted during his walk and hit his head. There was nothing he could really recall. 

"No, I don't think so." He spoke almost like he didn't fully believe his own words. One quick glance at his bloodied clothes caused him to second guess his own theory. 

Shunsui looked so expectant.

Jushiro's eyes fell to the ground before he perked up. "Master Yamamoto's book. I came back to return his book—" 

_Where had it gone?_

_Surely Tokinada didn't take it, maybe he knows where it is._

_I must've dropped it somewhere._

"Tokinada... where is he?"

The expression on Shunsui's face quickly changed from concern to unhappy curiosity. "Did he do this to you?"

_There's no wonder you're the one who captured my heart, Jushiro._

_I hope one day, you can find it within yourself to forgive me._

Jushiro slowly looked back down at his hand, at the dried blood that had begun to dry and crack on his fingertips. 

_Why can't I remember?_

Honestly, he couldn't be absolutely sure with how foggy his memory was. It felt like some kind of fever dream.

"I can't remember... I think I saw him earlier during my walk." With something of a half-hearted shrug, Jushiro looked at Shunsui once more. "I don't know what happened."

_I can hear your voice._

_Can't I?_

There's an illegible expression on Shunsui's face. Silently, he helps Jushiro up from the ground, holding him steady with an arm around him.

"Let's worry about all this tomorrow morning, okay? I'll walk you back home."

Jushiro wants so badly to say something, but instead, he nods his head without any words.

The academy building grew more and more distant as Shunsui seemed to shepherd Jushiro along.

As they followed the trail, the sight of Soul Reapers standing just outside of a small footpath into the woods caught Jushiro's eye. They held lanterns, giving something of a curiosity-ridden glance to the only passersby they'd seen that evening.

The energy he could so faintly recall feeling earlier was no longer present.

Still, Jushiro remains silent.

Now the pair of young students stood just outside the Ukitake estate. For the first time in almost twenty minutes, Jushiro speaks, albeit in a low voice. 

"Could you keep what I told you earlier just between us?"

Shunsui's expression didn't change. "About Tokinada?"

He responds with a small nod.

Shunsui visibly hesitates, a soft sigh falling past his lips. 

"I will for now." He relents before gently rubbing Jushiro's back. "Just get some rest, alright?"

~~

Even in the dark, Jushiro can see the blood on his skin. 

His eyes felt glued to every small, dried fleck across his fingers. 

He couldn't get Tokinada's voice out of his head. 

_'There's no wonder you're the one who captured my heart, Jushiro.'_

_Why?_

_Why can I feel that kiss against my skin so vividly?_

Of all the things he could remember clear as day, that had to be it. 

That. 

_'I want to become the head of my family, then maybe a captain. I won't have to justify myself to anyone, then.'  
_

_You lied to me._

_That never was your dream._

_Why didn't you say what you truly wanted?_

_Did you fear of how I'd think of you?_

Jushiro's hand now rested atop his blanket, clutching onto the fabric as tightly as he could. 

He'd tried to hard to help, and still, the worst possible scenario happened. 

_How?_

_How could you look at someone who could never help you and say **that**?_

He allowed his eyes to fall shut in an attempt to block out the outside world. 

There's a lump in his throat, though no tears were begging to flow that night. 

_I don't know if I love you the same way you love me._

Jushiro's thoughts quieted down enough to hear the faintest rustling of autumn leaves. His fingers loosen on his blanket, thickly swallowing. 

_I don't know._

_How much I wish you had said it before tonight._

_I wonder if the meaning would've changed._

~~

_Tokinada Tsunayashiro has been cleared of all suspicion for the death of Ren Kohatsu, Mister Kyoraku._

Bullshit. 

Shunsui stood just out of sight, looking out from around the tree to observe the pathway leading to the courtyard and secondary entry gate. 

He had seen Tokinada leave to go for an early evening walk.

A perfect opportunity to figure out what the hell was going on.

Seven people, including Shunsui himself, Tokinada and Jushiro had been questioned about what had happened. 

And yet, everyone else had been cleared except for him. 

_Except._

_Him._

The moment Shunsui saw that all too familiar head of green hair approaching, he readied himself. 

As out of character as this was, Shunsui decided that there was no other way of handling it. 

Once Tokinada had gotten within a metre of him, he immediately took hold of his neck without hesitation. 

Shunsui shoved him back against the tree he'd positioned himself at. 

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

Tokinada barely even reacts, staring at him with a blank expression. "Hello to you too, Shunsui."

"Stop with that, Tokinada. I heard what they found at the clearing where Ren was." He retorted, his eyebrows furrowing.

Feigning ignorance, he raised an eyebrow. "What did they find? I wasn't informed of anything found."

Shunsui's eyes narrowed somewhat. "There was a note found in _my_ handwriting, telling him to come out to the clearing at nine o'clock. A note that I _didn't_ write."

"And what relation does that have to me?" Tokinada asked with a simple tilt of the head. "I'd hardly forge something like that, and I wouldn't be able to anyway."

"Jushiro said you were out there. He saw you out in that damn clearing."

"The same Jushiro that likely fainted and hit his head?"

_I want so badly to hit you._

Feeling Shunsui's hand tighten around his throat, Tokinada tried to hold back a weak cough, somehow keeping himself from smirking at the sight of his friend's rage-filled eyes. "Look, I didn't do anything. Please put me down."

As much as he doesn't want to, Shunsui manages to put his anger aside and lets go. "If I find out you were involved, I swear—"

Now, Tokinada has a slight of a smile on his lips. "What would you do? There isn't any evidence to prove I might've been there."

"You never gave them your Zanpakuto or the clothes you were wearing that night for investigation." Shunsui said, now almost certain he'd tampered with something.

Tokinada shook his head, however. "That's true, but it's only because they never asked me for anything. I only spoke to them for a few minutes before they decided I wasn't of interest." With a shrug of the shoulders, Tokinada looked at Shunsui. "And besides, I heard they're going to close their investigation tomorrow."

_Silence._

_Complete silence._

It took Shunsui a moment to realise what that meant.

"Who..." His voice faltered briefly, "How do you know that?"

Before Tokinada could even think of walking away, Shunsui grabs him by the arm. "Tokinada, who told you that?"

Tokinada doesn't respond to that, rather he turns his back to him. "Goodnight, Shunsui. Tell Jushiro I said hello."

His thin arm slipped effortlessly out of his grasp, walking away at the leisurely pace he'd been at before.

Shunsui stood, staring after him with widened eyes.

_Tokinada Tsunayashiro has been cleared of all suspicion._

_I don't get it._

_I just don't get it._


	11. Chapter 11

_Captain of Squad Thirteen, Jushiro Ukitake._

As much as he'd been eager for this moment, Jushiro couldn't help but feel nervous.

Could he ever really get used to people calling him _Captain_ Ukitake?

Shunsui flashed him a smile the very first time he entered the Captain's meeting room as a Captain of the Gotei Thirteen.

Somehow, Shunsui didn't look nearly as out of place as Jushiro felt now. 

The ceremony wasn't anything flashy, rather a simple presentation. 

Despite that, Jushiro couldn't help but poke around a bit to see if anyone had come to speak with him. 

Anyone may be a broad term, but really, Jushiro only had one person in mind. 

The _one_ person that was not present. 

As Jushiro stood, thanking Captain Unohana for her well wishes, he felt a hand on his shoulder. 

Excusing himself, he allowed the hand to pull him aside. Shunsui pushed his hat up slightly with a finger lingering on the brim.

"What's with that expression?" He asked with a tilt of the head.

Jushiro's eyebrows raised momentarily. "What do you mean?" 

"That look on your face. You look down." 

"Down? No, no— I'm quite happy, really." 

Despite that, Shunsui could notice how Jushiro leaned over to see if anyone had come in, having heard the door open.

"Jushiro," Shunsui spoke, flashing him a lopsided smile, "Y'know how nobles are, they're busy people." 

_Is it truly so obvious?_

"I know..." With obvious hesitation, Jushiro cuts himself off before putting on a smile. "It's alright. I'm sure I'll see him sometime soon."

There was a look in Shunsui's eyes, one he knew all too well.

_You didn't believe that for a second, did you?_

Jushiro didn't want to continue dwelling on the fact that Tokinada hadn't come. 

He couldn't help it.

_I was hoping you would at least hold true to that promise._

_If only just that one._

~~

Crisp autumn air.

Just like _that_ evening. 

Jushiro paused his leisurely gait to raise a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. 

_That_ evening he still couldn't clearly remember all these years later. 

Silently, he resumed with his head down, memorising each slight difference in the ground he walked upon. 

That ground hadn't changed in so long, the path back to his family's estate was the same it had been his first day at the academy.

The same as it had been that night. 

Even in the dark, he could still see the same crack a few metres from the entrance gate. 

He paused yet again. 

Cold. 

That deeply chilling reiatsu seeped into his bones just like it had before. 

Jushiro lifted his gaze. 

Someone stood beside the gate, leaning back against the wall. 

With how silent it became, his voice faltered, unwilling to speak. 

The mystery person didn't give him a chance to anyway. 

" _Captain_ Ukitake," A familiar, low voice spoke, almost as though the words were empty. "That suits you."

With such a sentence, he would've expected some warmth, but no. 

Just as cold as the energy around him. 

Tokinada looks over at him through the dark with an unreadable expression on his face.

Such distance between them— even the tone of his voice denoted such. 

His eyes of clouded deep green were just barely visible in the night.

Jushiro swallowed thickly, fixated on his eyes. 

In his presence, he felt unwelcome. 

With evident hesitation in his voice, Jushiro finally spoke. "T— Thank you. Were you at the ceremony? I didn't think I saw you."

"I wasn't."

"Oh."

Another bout of silence fell upon the area.

"I only came by to congratulate you."

Though it came across as insincere, Jushiro smiled with a bow of the head in spite of that.

"Thank you, that's very kind. I appreciate it."

Tokinada simply nodded before turning away.

He lingered, yet.

"I was right, you know."

Jushiro's eyes were fixed on his form as his head tilted slightly.

"Your hair," He continues without another look. "It looks wonderful. Just as regal as any captain should be."

Jushiro took a step forward, wanting so badly to reach out and take his hand; but he refrained.

"Tokinada, won't you stay for tea?" He tried to sound more confident, but he desired nothing more than to understand. "I... I haven't seen you in so long, I would love to catch up."

Tokinada doesn't move, rather he lets out a short scoff.

Though they were no longer facing one another, the slightest hint of a smile was audible in his voice.

"You truly haven't changed at all, _captain_."

Jushiro could only stand in place, watching him vanish into the dark cloak of the night.

How badly he wanted to stop him, ask him _why_.

_Why didn't you do the right thing?_

_Why didn't you love yourself the same way I loved you?_

_How could you say I have captured a heart that was never truly open to me?_

_Why?_

_Why can I still hear your voice?_


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we are, the final chapter!! i'm incredibly sorry this took so long but i want to thank each of you for reading and giving me feedback, it truly means a lot to me!!
> 
> i hope all of you have enjoyed it and will enjoy this!!

One deep breath. 

The air, as fresh and clear as ever, filled his chest. 

With a small, contented exhale, Jushiro took a moment to look up at the clear, nearly cloudless sky above him.

He couldn't imagine a more pleasant, spring day. 

Now that he'd acquired a large basket of mandarin oranges, the day was absolutely perfect. 

Soon, there would be a cup of fresh green tea in his hand and his closest friend by his side. 

The walk from the fruit stalls close to the Academy grounds would take around thirty minutes.

Along the way, he saw multiple familiar, friendly faces.

Captain Unohana, Lieutenant Hinamori, Lieutenant Kira and Captain Hitsugaya— all of whom received an orange from him. 

The breeze caught and lifted his hair as he walked along, finding himself humming lightly with the sun against his skin. 

Squad Eight's barracks weren't too far, now, and the journey had passed with no issue. 

As Jushiro turned the corner to continue down the walkway, he noticed someone coming down in the opposite direction. 

At first, they weren't clear enough to make out, but they were wearing the standard shihakushō and a light green haori. 

Dark hair.

Slightly unkempt.

Shiny.

The closer Jushiro got, the more familiar the person became. 

More and more familiar.

Their paths cross, and the man passes by with no words or acknowledgement. 

Jushiro's gait slowed to a halt. 

He can hear that the man has stopped as well. 

Only the breeze blowing filled the empty air. 

What felt like a full minute passed before Jushiro finally turned his head, his eyes now falling on the back of this man's head. 

_Is..._

_Is it you?_

Though his lips are now slightly parted, he can't bring himself to muster any words. 

_Is it truly you?_

The man is motionless, his posture straight, like a statue. 

Now, Jushiro sees that there's an orange in his hand. 

A mandarin orange from his basket. 

With the smallest turn of the head, Jushiro catches a glimpse of the slight of a smile on his lips. 

It isn't sinister.

It isn't frightening. 

No.

It's simply a small smile. 

His fringe obscured his eye, but who it was couldn't be clearer. 

_Eighty years._

_All this time has gone by._

_It's been so long since I've seen you._

Jushiro can't think of anything to say.

A quiet chuckle escaped him as the man turned to look ahead, continuing ahead on his journey without saying a single word. 

All Jushiro can do is watch him walk away with a leisurely gait.

It didn't take long for him to disappear around the corner and out of sight. 

_You._

_You look well._

With his mouth slightly dry, Jushiro lowered his gaze as he turned. 

_That's all I could've asked for._

He didn't want to dwell on it, he'd spent far too much time doing that already.

Something, however, catches his eye. 

Underneath one of the oranges sitting at the top of the pile, is a small, white piece of paper. 

Jushiro stares down at it, confused at first. It was blank from what he could see, until he knelt and set the basket on the ground. 

Once he'd taken it out from underneath the citrus, he noticed then that it did have something written on it.

All he had to do was turn it over.

_'It's been a long time. Hopefully not long enough for you to have forgotten where my estate is. If you would be kind enough to pay me a visit, I wouldn't be able to express my gratitude.'_

_How many years has it been since I've so much as seen your name?_

There's a small smile that has found its way onto Jushiro's face. 

_Your handwriting, it's as beautiful as ever._

_You were always so skilled when it came to calligraphy, after all._

Jushiro lifted his head to look up at the sky. 

He couldn't ask for a more perfect day. 

The basket feels the slightest bit lighter, now. 

_Only a few more minutes._

This journey would end his quest for the fruit.

Come nightfall. 

A new quest would begin.

A new journey.

With a familiar companion, from the days of old.

~~

The black cloak of night had fallen all around the Seireitei by the time Jushiro found himself in front of the Tsunayashiro estate.

An estate that had seemingly stood still and untouched by the passage of time.

Every star dotted in the sky seemed to glimmer above him.

Jushiro is quiet as he opens the gate to the garden. 

From where he stood, letting the gate gently close behind him, Jushiro could see where Tokinada is sat on the veranda, overlooking the garden.

When he sees Jushiro, a brief look of surprise flashed across his face. 

Swallowing silently as he observes his old friend, Jushiro approaches without caution. 

The last time they'd seen each other was that night of his promotion ceremony. 

"I honestly hadn't thought you would come." Tokinada spoke, the obviously relieved tone in his voice not going unnoticed. 

"I don't think I expected to come either." Jushiro responded with a slight smile. 

Tokinada momentarily pursed his lips before beginning to smile as well. 

A _genuine_ smile. 

He hadn't seen such a thing in so long. 

Tokinada's hand is extended out to him, and Jushiro took it without hesitation. 

The feeling of such a warm embrace.

He could so vividly remember the last time he felt it. 

No one else's could ever compare.

"I've missed you, Jushiro." Tokinada's voice is a low, gentle whisper, so unlike how it had been before. 

There was an odd undertone to those words, however.

The _way_ he'd said it. 

_'There's no wonder you're the one who captured my heart, Jushiro.'_

It sounded just as final as that very quote which still rang clear as day in his head.

Jushiro can't find any words once again. 

His arms slowly wrapped around Tokinada, unable to keep from squeezing him ever so slightly. 

There's a sinking feeling in his chest.

One he didn't want to admit. 

One he wouldn't dare to acknowledge.

Tokinada pulled away, turning to step into the room behind him, as the sliding screen door was already open. 

There's a large device sat upon a tea table.

Jushiro could recognise the device. 

A vinyl record player.

Captain Hirako had owned one just like it. 

The cue burn overtook the room, spilling out into the garden.

Tokinada came back out, taking Jushiro's hand within his own. 

"Dance with me." 

Such a request had caught him off guard.

"I'm afraid I don't really know how to dance—" Jushiro somewhat awkwardly responded, allowing himself to step down onto the grass. 

"Then just follow my lead." 

Jushiro pursed his lips, glancing down upon feeling Tokinada's hand on his waist. His free hand rested on his shoulder. 

The sound of soft orchestral music seemed to almost illuminate every inch of the garden.

The moon rarely shined so brightly.

The stars had seldom sparkled like that. 

He couldn't help how he began to smile, like how Tokinada had been.

Dancing.

Together. 

His head rested against Tokinada's. 

An all too perfect moment came to pass.

Jushiro's eyes fell off to the side.

"Tokinada..."

"Hm?"

"...That night," He began, not pulling away to look at him. "Did you mean what you said to me?"

Tokinada doesn't immediately respond.

They continued to move despite the lack of a response. 

"I'm surprised you can remember that."

_Not a yes or a no._

"I remember it clearly." 

Another moment passes without a response.

Only the strings and piano fill the air.

"I did mean it." Tokinada stated rather flatly. "I knew I could entrust my heart to only one person. You."

Jushiro pulled away to look at him, then. "How? I— I could never help you."

Tokinada tilted his head slightly, his smile becoming somewhat sardonic. "I could never help myself, so that isn't a valid excuse, now is it?"

That dryness in his mouth has returned. "I just don't understand." 

Without warning, that all too familiar sensation pressed against his forehead. 

Just like it had on that night.

"You don't need to understand everything." He murmured against his forehead before letting his own press against Jushiro's. "You have it, and that's the point. I haven't any use for something so trivial."

Jushiro is looking at him and those eyes of deep forest green appeared... empty. 

Like he truly had no heart. Jushiro had his heart. 

"This is your goodbye, isn't it?"

There was no change in Tokinada's expression. 

"You always were very perceptive."

"This doesn't need to be goodbye—" 

The coda began.

The beginning of the end.

"I have no more business with you, wouldn't you say?" Tokinada seemed to be holding down a small chuckle. "Now you have the last piece of my humanity, I can't fraternise with someone like you any longer."

"Why?"

"I complimented you on your perception, so I don't need to give you an answer." 

The music is nearing its end, and there are no words shared between them. 

Tokinada's breath felt warm against Jushiro's lips. 

No more than five centimetres separated them.

It was Jushiro who attempted to close the gap, but Tokinada pulled back just enough to narrowly avoid it. 

Everything became silent.

No music.

No words.

Tokinada's eyes are fixated on him. 

"Your lips have not been stained with blood as mine have." He murmured. 

Jushiro deliberately paused before responding. 

"Your lips are no better than my hands. We both have walked a path painted with blood."

There's something of a crooked smile on Tokinada's lips now. He doesn't move away when Jushiro finally bridges the gap between them. 

He's waited decades for this. 

No.

A _century_.

It almost makes him regret ever bringing him there. 

_Almost._

Regret is an emotion he hasn't felt in years and he remembers how much he dislikes it. 

Jushiro is slow to pull away, as though he didn't want it to ever end; and truth be told, Tokinada didn't want it to either.

But it had to. 

Tokinada's eyes are closed, his forehead resting against Jushiro's once more. 

That had to be the end. 

It was the end, but he'd grown used to bittersweet endings such as these. 

"Take care of yourself, Jushiro." Tokinada whispered.

_I love you._

How badly Jushiro just wants to say those three words. 

When those eyes of empty green met his for what would likely be the last time, Jushiro felt an ache within his chest. 

He swallows dryly, somehow managing a faint smile. 

"I'll do my best."

Tokinada lifted his hand to gently hold the side of Jushiro's face. "Promise." 

Jushiro slowly nodded his head. "I promise." 

Though there was a chill radiating from him, as there always was, his touch is warm and comforting.

Every gentle brush of his thumb across his cheek is tender. 

Until that warmth vanishes. 

They'd been so close just a moment ago but Tokinada had stepped away from him. 

_You always distance yourself._

_You don't have to._

_You can share your burdens with me._

_I want to help you._

Jushiro doesn't get the benefit of a decision, Tokinada has already turned his back to him and stepped up to the veranda. 

Their eyes don't meet again.

Without a sound, the screen door closed and his silhouette behind the thin shoji paper vanished. 

All Jushiro could do was linger where he stood. 

_I wish._

_I wish I could've helped you._

He doesn't want to turn around, but there is nothing else for him to do. 

A small sigh fell past his lips. 

_I'm sorry._

_I couldn't clear the clouds of your despair._

_Perhaps._

Jushiro quietly opens the gate, having walked across the moonlit garden.

_Perhaps I didn't try hard enough for you._

_I suppose in that sense._

_It's my fault._

The gate closes behind him. 

_click._


End file.
